The Funny Thing

Moving on is a funny thing.
I thought it actually meant moving on-but in my case, not so much.
At the end of May, we decided it was time to consider moving on and finding happiness in just the two of us.  I guess it wasn't entirely moving on as much as letting go.  We did some major soul searching and preparation, and with some help, found peace in our situation on June 14th.  We knew we would be okay, we knew everything would happen as it should.  We decided to change nothing and just focus forward. 
We got into school we made plans to downsize our house and considered moving to a new state even, just so we could start our "2 of us" adventure we soon realized we've been on our "2 of us" adventure for 8 years and changes weren't necessary to make us happy because we have each other! 
It's a good thing we kind of like each other.
I must say, June and July were the best months of my life.  I felt so whole, and alive!  I didn't sweat the small stuff and no children didn't scare me.  I wasn't jealous.  I wasn't hurting.  I wasn't even secretly trying to make it all work.
August rolled around and that all completely changed.  I felt desperately in my heart that I was so close and I needed to act.  I wasn't sure how to proceed, but I followed my heart.  (Much to the annoyance of Shane, I'm sure, as I'm so back and forth)  I started posting on our Facebook page again.  I opened up my blogs and actually wrote something this time.  I started perusing available adoption situations both infant and foster.  I started researching private adoption companies and I started adjusting our budget to accommodate the fluctuation in cost.  I pondered surrogacy, international adoption, IVF and more.  I even found myself crying at Jennifer Lopez's character in What to Expect When You're Expecting because I could totally relate.
Last Tuesday as I was scrolling through children in foster care, waiting for their perfect family, my heart leaped from my chest.  Just one picture, one glimpse and I was frozen.  I read his name and his age.  12!  He was way outside the criteria we were looking for.  I wasn't even going to open the profile.  I couldn't turn away so finally I decided to learn more.  His profile spoke to me.  I sent it to Shane and also my mom.  My mom wrote back, "If you don't adopt him, I will."  Shane and I talked it over and came to the conclusion that we needed to stop waiting for the perfect fit for us and to start considering all that we could give a child, any child.  We decided to contact the agency and inquired on this child.  We heard back 24 hours later and were informed our information would be forwarded to his caseworker. 
We are now in the waiting stages.  From what I know about foster-to-adopt, the process is a lengthy one.  We may never hear anything or we just might.  It doesn't matter.  We are letting go and letting things happen.  Who knows, maybe he is just a stepping stone, much like our other various opportunities, that will bring us to our children.  We definitely learned that we are okay with adoption in whatever form that is available to us, regardless of age and circumstance.
We've had so many things fall into place and click in just one week.  I really feel like we are close to something.  Our day is coming.  One way or another, one age or another, I feel like it's time!

Aunt and Uncle

I finally got our pictures restored and I’ve been dying to share some of the great photos we had lying around. 

The one thing you must know about Shane and I, is that we LOVE being an aunt and uncle.  We have nicknames from our nieces and nephews and love spending every minute we can with them when we get together. 

Between the two of us, there are seven nieces and nephews.  The really fun thing about our family is that every sibling with children has a girl first, followed by a boy. 

First we have K, from Brittnee’s side.  She is a 13 and full of spunk and attitude.  (Which teenager is not!)  When I was in high school, I remember bringing her along with me everywhere!  She would have been 2 and 3 so it made it very easy to tote her along.

 

When K was 2, she used to do Tae-Bo with Brittnee.  Grandpa renamed it K-Bo and every time Brittnee exercised, she was right there with her.

*The photo is from a scrapbook album as not every photo could be saved or reproduced.

Uncle Shane is the best Guitar Hero band-mate there is.  Whenever K and J visit, we get out the games.

K and Aunt Nee-Nee

 

Next is her brother J who is 11.  He likes to act shy and loves each of his uncles more than anything. 

 J and Aunt Nee-Nee at our wedding. 

J and Aunt Nee-Nee watching Dark Knight

Because there are so few boys, and on Brittnee's side, J was the only one until last month, J likes to be with his Uncles. 

Also on Brittnee’s side is A who is 4.  She is a spitfire and full of sarcasm at such a young age.  She is the cutest, funniest thing I have ever seen.  She is the spitting image of her parents!

A holding Uncle Shane's pinkie.

 Shane, Brittnee, and A

A and Aunt Brat (Brittnee's sister called her Brat when she was little.  So he is known as Aunt Brat to A.)

Shane and "Princess A"

On Shane’s side, the first niece is L who is 3.  She was actually born the day before A, one year later.  She is our red-headed character.  She has a great laugh and loves to dance.

L and Shane

L and Brittnee

Her little brother L followed quickly after and is 2.  He loves to carry around his little doggy stuffed animal and his personality is starting to shine.

Shane and L.  Check out that smile!

Also on Shane’s side is P who is almost 2.  She is the most shy but sweet little girl.  She doesn’t talk much, but loves to pose for a camera. 

Shane and P.  (P is very shy around boys, even her uncles, and it took a little while for her to warm up.  Of course only shortly after this photo)

 

Brittnee and P at the bowling alley, with Uncle Tyrel.

 

Lastly, on Brittnee’s side, we welcomed little C in July.  Because we haven’t yet met him and he’s too young for us to know what his qualities are, all I can say about him is that he is the spitting image of his momma!  If he’s anything like his sister A, his parents have their hands full.

C

 

We can’t get enough of these cuties and look forward to the many other nieces and nephews that might join the family.  We’ve loved having babies to hold, toddlers to color with, kids to play with, and teenagers to talk to!  While we wait to be parents, we can’t think of a better thing to do than to love on our nieces and nephews.

Rebuilding

So I began working on a massive genealogy project a little over a month ago.  A project that first began as a compilation of old family photos to share with our family via organized CDs became a massive project of compiling all photos for my entire family (siblings, parents, and in-laws).  My hope was to get everything scanned onto my hard drives and then also make CDs as back up.  So in the process, almost complete, my external hard drive got damaged.  Basically it was old and therefore unstable (lots of moving parts).  I lost EVERYTHING!  Every single photo we have ever taken in our 8 years of marriage (including our wedding photos) and all of the scanned ones that I spent weeks going through.  Luckily I have several photo albums, my blog, facebook, and other family photos.  Because of this, I've spent the last two weeks rebuilding each photo that I can, one by one.  In a great moment of miracles, my mother-in-law had a back up of our wedding photos.  Each and every one.  That's what I really cared about in the end.  I still have the memories associated with each photo and losing them doesn't change the relationships I have in my life, but my wedding photos were a big deal.  So, we've been gone for a long time and now you know why.  I've got at least several more weeks to go before I feel like I can move onto the next project.  And this time, I have TWO hard drives that I back up each night.  I hope this never happens again.

The Month We Disappeared

Maybe you’ve wondered where we’ve been.  At the end of April we came to a crossroads.  We have four paths to choose from and all of them can be the “right” path for us.  Because of the questions, emotions, and stress involved with taking the next step we decided to take the entire month of May off.  We gave ourselves time to not think or decide.  We gave ourselves time to focus on us.  We gave ourselves time to decide what is right for us.

We’ve been married for 8 years and wanting children from that very moment on.  For the last four years we have been actively pursuing adoption, fertility treatments, and foster to adopt through our Health and Welfare system.  We’ve had a lot of ups and downs.  A lot of setbacks.  A lot of heartache. 

Through our trials, the one thing we have come to know as fact is that whatever is meant to happen for us, will, in the Lord’s timing and in his way.  Because of this, we’ve kept every option open for years.  Unfortunately having multiple avenues open at once has caused immense emotional strain.  After a very relaxing and soul searching month, we’ve decided to continue all avenues if only for a little longer, however, we’ve also added the avenue of not having children.  It’s not an avenue many like to talk about or even think about.  It’s not an avenue that I want to happen, but I’ve also got to allow myself the possibility, because unfortunately sometimes it does. 

At this point, we are just trying to put our faith to test and letting go.  No matter the outcome of our lives, we want to be strong and prepared.  Amazingly, by embracing all four options, I’ve never felt more free from my pain.  I think allowing myself to feel all of the emotions associated with each, allowed me to trust in Heavenly Father’s plan for us.  At the end of the day, whatever path we end on, it will be the right path for us.

We pray every day for the children and families that may bless our lives.  We pray for each of our friends in the adoption community.  We pray for each of those struggling through infertility.  But mostly we pray for peace and trust.  I feel like our baby is out there.  I feel like we are getting close, but just in case, I’m ready to live our lives to the best ability that we can.  

Gardening

Ever since we acquired the space, we've found a new joy in gardening and housework.  We've been spending the last month working outside developing our backyard, fighting weeds,  and planting our garden.  We lovw how it's coming along but it's still a work in progress. 
We can't wait to harvest our watermelons,  cantaloupe,  pears,  apples, strawberries,  boysenberries, raspberries,  peppers,  onions,  tomatoes,  asparagus,  carrots,  lettuce,  spinach,  broccoli,  celery,  cucumbers,  and beans!

H&W Update

Because of lost paperwork issues,  we've decided to call Health and Welfare once a month to follow up on our profile and children availability. We had our hone study update completed on the 24th so we figured two weeks was long enough to wait so we called this morning to check in. They haven't received our update yet (they now know to look for it) but they were able to locate us in their system,  finally!  The bad news,  they haven't had an update since 2011 so we weren't even considered for children for almost a year and a half.  Because this is our last year,  we are going to make sure that doesn't happen again.  We plan to make H&W know who we are by our monthly calls. It will most likely drive them nuts, but at least they'll know who we are! 

Through the Years

This past week I decided to sort through our old photos and scan them all in so that I can scrapbook them later.  I had so fun looking at us through the years and thought I would share a few priceless gems of who we once were and what we looked like! 

Because all of these photos were taken with film, they were all scanned in and none were edited or touched up, sorry for the lack of quality.

The first is Shane and I in our third grade class photos.

These next two pictures were taken three days apart in December of 2003.  I was a senior in high school, living in Salt Lake City, Utah and Shane had just returned from his mission in the Philippines, living in Othello, Washington.  We met and were married just a year and a half later!

Here is one of Shane with his football team and Brittnee with her soccer team.

And lastly our graduation photos!

Two Things #7

In order to get to know us better,  we are going to post two things you may not know about each of us every week.

Shane
-I never had to wear braces.
-The first time I went horseback riding I got a rough horse and was bucked off,  more than once.  It ruined riding for me.

Brittnee
-When I was younger,  3 and up, I absolutely loved to do puzzles.  Grandpa would bring me a new one each time he visited and we would sit on the stairs and finish it.
-I have two family nicknames. Everyone calls me Britters with the exception of one sister,  who calls me Brat and has for as long as I can remember.

Two Things #6

In order to get to know us better, we are going to post two things that you may not know about each of us every week.

Shane

-I am learning the art of furniture building.  After we replaced our backyard fences last year, I came into an abundance of lumber to practice on.  Since then, I’ve made two bookshelves for our home.

-I am working on my Bachelor’s Degree, studying Business.

Brittnee

-I want to write and publish a book someday.  I’ve always loved to write.

-I am training to run long distances in hopes of completing a marathon someday.

Thoughts

I’ve been thinking a lot and have wanted to write this post since yesterday.  Unfortunately, I’m also feeling very discouraged today so it might come across differently than intended.  Bear with me, and we’ll see where we end up.

I think that since the very first day we realized and accepted that we had a problem with infertility, we have believed that it is temporary, just a trial and challenge we could overcome.  We have always prayed to learn what we needed to learn so that we could “pass the test”.  Every month we continued to fail the test and had to start over.  We feared it was an issue of faith, or a curse from past misdeeds.  We poured ourselves into being the very best we could be to compensate for our shortcomings.  We begged, we even pleaded.  Because we have always hoped, each and every day, that we would be parents we never could see outside the box.  We could never envision the eternal perspective of our refiner’s fire.  We lived in jealousy, anger, frustration, hatred, and sadness for many months over the years.  Even now, peace and understanding are only slowly starting to enter our thoughts.  Maybe it’s because we are running out of time, maybe it’s because we are running out of options, but I think my perspective is changing. 

This “test” was never meant to be temporary.  It was never meant to be easy.  It is indeed my refiner’s fire.  In pondering and searching for understanding, I’m beginning to see that this trial is truly a “divine trial”.  We were given infertility because it was exactly what we needed to make it back to our Heavenly Father.  I also understand and am trying to accept that I may never be a mother here, but am still entitled to those divine qualities that are inherited.

Even if we place tomorrow, even if we become pregnant, we will ALWAYS be infertile.  That will never leave us.  Although the pain may subside and we will find joy in our lives, the reminder of the pain we have felt thus far will always be a part of us.  We will also be faced with infertility for each and every child we try to have.  Raising a family will never be easy or natural in our home.  This is an infinite and cyclic challenge and that is okay.  Heavenly Father knows what we need to be the best us.  He knows what we are feeling and he knows our desires.  But, bad things still happen in this world and we could still end up childless. 

I once felt bad about letting infertility define me.  I hated that it consumed me and it was all I ever talked about or could feel.  I felt blinded by emotion and yes, even coveted other women and their children.  Don’t judge, it’s impossible not to feel that strong pull to love.   Now I realize that infertility is a part of me, always will be!  It does define me. BUT, I can choose how it defines me.  I don’t have to talk about it.  I don’t have to allow the emotions to upset me, but I’m also entitled to feel those feelings and will need to talk about it too. 

I honestly think I’m ready for the next chapter, no matter what it brings.

Two Things #5

In order to get to know us better, we are going to post two things that you may not know about each of us every week.

Shane

-I love to cook.  I don’t often use recipes and just wing it as I go, but I often imagine what it would be like to open and operate a bakery.

-I have a very vivid imagination.  On long drives, I like to imagine that I’m a race car driver and it really helps me stay awake.

Brittnee

-I have a steel trap memory.  I love details.  I can tell you what I was wearing on my eighth birthday and list the addresses of previous homes I’ve lived in.

-I am a very forgiving person, sometimes to a fault.

On Adoption

We’ve been simultaneously trying to adopt and undergo fertility treatments for years.  One thing I don’t think people understand is that adoption is not a second choice or last resort for us.  The spirit of adoption entered our hearts five years ago.  It took two more for us to be ready and we have actively been trying to adopt for the last three years.  We look forward to having relationships that are exclusive to adoption.  We look forward to the beauty that is adoption.  We look forward to the love, peace, and hope that is adoption.  We are honestly honored to be able to adopt!  We know that we will be blessed with a baby.  We know that our time is coming and our family is out there.  For us, it has been necessary to do both things at once.  One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I need to feel control in some aspect of my family building.  Because I can’t control my body or the situation, nor can I control when we will be chosen, I can control what we are doing about the time in between.  Being actively involved in both adoption and treatments has afforded me the peace of mind knowing that I’ve done all I can do.  As we begin our fourth year, we want to make it strictly about adoption.  We are putting our complete faith in the process and know that everything will work out as it is meant to be.

Little One

*There is a commercial where the dad emails his daughter on all of the big events in her life for her to enjoy when she was older.  I’ve always loved this idea and want our children to have similar keepsakes and to know how much they are loved.  Here’s our first letter to our little one.

 

Dear Little One,

We haven’t met yet, but we love you so much already.  We look forward to the day where we get to bring you home and love you.  We don’t know when we will get to meet, but we know that there is a special birth family who loves you as much as we do.  We know that you are meant to be in our family and we can’t wait to see you grow and change each and every day.  We started setting up your nursery yesterday and we can already see you there.  We just want you to know that we pray for you every single day and know we will get to hold you in our arms, soon.  Until then, you are always in our hearts and prayers!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

(I'm not going to lie we both cried writing this)

Two Things #4

In order to get to know us better, we are going to post two things that you may not know about each of us every week.

Shane

-I am an Eagle Scout.  For my project, I repainted the city’s fair barn gates.

-I had a solo part in a musical when I was 10 years old.

Brittnee

-I wore braces for a year and a half in 9th - 11th grade.  There is only one school photo documenting this time of my life.  I got my braces off days before my 11th grade picture.

-I hate driving stick shift, but know how to

Two Things #3

In order to get to know us better, we are going to post two things that you may not know about each of us every week.

Shane

-I played the drums in high school, can memorize every word to every song I listen to, and love to sing.

-When I was a toddler I used to walk into stores, throw my arms up in the air and say “I’m here!”

Brittnee

-I have never broken a bone or had stitches.  The only surgery I’ve ever had is for wisdom teeth removal.

-I was a major tomboy growing up.  I skateboarded, rode bikes off jumps, played basketball, and even climbed trees.

Preparing

For a long time, we were so nervous to prepare our home for baby.  If you've suffered through any heartache, then you know that it's hard to soften your heart.  You guard and protect it.  Setting up a nursery has always been a dream of ours, but we were always so afraid of walking by the empty bedroom and feeling the anguish each and everytime we realized it wasn't our time yet.  We were also so nervous to buy items in fear that we never got our baby.
We finally feel like it's time and you get a SNEAK PREVIEW!!
The fabric is part of a four piece set that we purchased when we first started the adoption process and is no longer available in stores.  We were lucky to find that the fabric matched some paint samples we had fallen in love with awhile back and had forgotten about.
We are thinking blue and cream stripes on one wall.  Orange and red mixed in the bookcase and also on the cushions on the rocking chairs.  It's still a work in progress, but we finally have a plan!

 

We also got our lovely diaper bag, a gift from Mom.  It had to be something that Shane was willing to carry around and needed to be gender neutral.  We LOVE it!

 

 

Two Things #2

In order to get to know us better, we are going to post two things that you may not know about each of us every week.

Shane

-I got really sick with pneumonia that almost killed me and ended up in the hospital for several days.

-My dream job would be designing car engines.

Brittnee

-I never flew on an airplane until I was 21.  Since then, I’ve flown a total of three times, all for work, and have had the most horrific experiences.

-The first time I ever saw the ocean was when I was 16. 

Two Things

In order to get to know us better, we are going to post two things that you may not know about each of us every Sunday.

 

Shane

-I played football in High School. I was crazy about training and used to push my old beat up chevy truck up and down the alleyway next to my house while my sisters and mom sat inside.
-I am the oldest, I have twin sisters and then 12 and 14 years between myself and my brothers.

 

Brittnee

-I have moved 18 times. 5 of those since being married 8 years ago. For the first time in my life, I finally feel settled!
-I played soccer in Jr. High. I was the captain of my recreation team and played for my school team in 9^th grade.

 

Parent Profiles

Did you know we are on Parent Profiles? Check us out.  www.parentprofiles.com/profiles/db29059.html

On Adoption and Babies

Okay, my title is a little vague and misleading but this post is all over the place, forgive me.

If you’ve been around for a while, you might know that it is time to renew our adoption. This year, whether to renew or not has weighed heavily on my mind, the scale tipping in one direction or the other quite often. This month marks 36 months since we began our adoption process (paper pregnant didn’t happen until May 18), 36 long months! Each day and each month brought with it very unique circumstances and emotions. Some have been filled with hope and excitement; decorating, planning, and dreaming of our little one. There have been days when I could feel it was so close, even once knowing the baby meant to be in our family had made it to earth safely. But on the reverse side, we’ve also felt the pain of waiting, the pain of rejection, the confusion, and the wonder. Add those emotions to the jealousy and anger that sometimes rises and the resentment we feel towards our bodies for denying us our one great wish and it’s a cataclysmic disaster waiting to happen. I’ve honestly felt the full gamut of emotions regarding adoption and infertility.

With all of this being said, yesterday was my breaking point. I had the worst day and was ready to throw in the towel. Through our process, we’ve felt picked apart. We’ve felt judged. We’ve felt “not good enough”. We’ve felt poor. We’ve felt like it is never going to happen. We’ve also felt happiness, joy, excitement, hope, and pure love. But yesterday, yesterday all I saw was the negative emotions we’ve felt.

It’s been quiet on our front. We have never had contact with a prospective birth parent. Every opportunity that has come our way, we found, mostly through private adoptions. We’ve had a few special cases sent to us by LDS Family Services (forwarded from other agencies), but none of them ever felt right. We felt like out of all the situations we’ve been given, we were either choosing between major special needs (both physical and mental) or the prospect of having to buy our baby. We felt terrible for having to pick apart each situation, trying to find the one that felt right for us. We hated saying no to some because of their special needs and we hated saying no due to financial means. Our adoption profile is extremely open. We prayed about when were first started the paperwork and we both feel that no matter what circumstance, race, condition, age, etc… of the child, all would be considered with prayer, because at the end of the day, the baby that was meant for us, would be meant for us.

This month we had two private adoption opportunities come our way. Both were $30,000! It breaks my heart to know that these women are looking for parents for their children but due to the privatization of adoption, are having a hard time finding a good couple. I understand that adoption is expensive. I understand that needs need to be met. But I also understand that private agencies are also for profit. It breaks my heart to think that if we were somehow able to come up with the 30K in fees, (all paid up front) that we would never be able to properly provide for our little one until we had a chance to make up for that deficit. These fees didn’t include anything like cribs, diapers, formula etc. Naturally, they shouldn’t. But fertility treatments are expensive; ridiculously so, and without guarantee or refund, and adoption is expensive and requires waiting periods. In a world where we’ve been denied biological children due to circumstance, we’ve been riddled with expenses that are inconceivable, leaving us unable to finance some of these opportunities.

But back to the breaking point, yesterday we received one of these opportunities and it rocked my world. I choose to blame it on my hormones because we are also undergoing our FINAL fertility treatment, for now and maybe forever. I cried. I screamed. I laughed at the situation. I vented and then vented some more. I felt like our dreams were continually being dangled in front of our faces, but just ever so out of reach. Then I got down on my knees and I prayed. I prayed for understanding. I prayed for forgiveness for being angry. I prayed for our birth parents. I prayed for our baby. Lastly, I prayed to feel the joy that I know adoption brings. Adoption is such a miraculous process and I truly feel blessed to be able to partake of something so sweet.

Now I know…

We are renewing the adoption, anxiously so! We are also pushing full steam ahead in our last fertility treatment! Although we have no idea in which way we will be blessed, we know that both will hold major importance in our lives. We know that we’ve gone through this for the sole purpose of preparing us for something great. I also know that we are just about done. This trial is coming to a close, soon! But, I also know that it is always darkest before the dawn and yesterday was a dark day. I know that we’ve got a few more dark days ahead, but we are pushing forward with faith because at the end of the day, we know what we know!

(Jeffrey R. Holland) “Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.”

Facebook Page

We are trying to promote our adoption! We've made a facebook page to help spread the word. Please "like" or "share" our page to help.

We appreciate your love and help.

To visit or page go to https://facebook.com/findingourmiracle

On Infertility, Adoption, and Healing

I haven’t blogged in a while, mostly because I don’t know how much to say, or even, exactly, what I want to say.

One thing I’ve come to learn with regards to infertility is that at some point you have to be able to go on with life and be happy, even if it means you have no children at all. That’s not to say the pain will ever cease, but from time to time it might lessen.

I spent all year last year working on this one tiny detail. Who is Brittnee without children? Who is Shane without children? Who are we without children? And… How will we be okay? With much preparation and forethought, we realized it was time to consider moving on. The one thing we knew for sure, we couldn’t move on until we had tried everything.

We’ve had an active profile with LDS Family Services on itsaboutlove.org for 32 months now. We also have an active profile with our states Health and Welfare department and have for 20 months now. We have been actively seeking our child through adoption, even having two very close call private adoption opportunities. We have tried free “promoter” sites, we shamelessly hand out pass along cards, and we even had an adoption blog. We’ve promoted ourselves in every way imaginable, which seemed right for us at the time. We never joined Parent Profiles though because something always told us no. We are now only three short months away from our 4th home study and we honestly don’t know what the future holds for us.

Adoption was only step one in trying everything. After serious consideration, we decided it was time to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. In the seven years of struggle, no doctor has ever recommended seeing one until last spring. I was so hesitant because of the tests and invasive nature, not to mention highly embarrassed because my body doesn’t function as a woman’s should (there is so much more emotion in regards to that, but surely this explanation will have to do), that I stalled until November. We were finally told exactly why we can’t have children, and here’s the kicker, we have unexplained infertility! There is nothing wrong with either of us. The doctor gave us less than a 3% chance of having children. She laid out a course to attempt to raise those percentages and we are now underway in a seemingly endless pursuit of fertility treatments. I almost wish they would have been able to find something actually wrong, it might have made it easier to treat, and I believe it would have made it easier to heal and move on if that becomes necessary.

Our first treatment took place around Christmas time and was a failure; our second is underway right now. After that, we have one more chance before moving onto IVF. IVF is our last hope. Right now, we plan to do one round of IVF sometime in the second half of the year, but that is subject to change at any time.

We are currently juggling all of these things in hopes that something will knock loose, if even only to make sense of the situation or offer understanding so that I can find peace in my heart.

I refuse to document our fertility attempts. I refuse to go into detail. I refuse to continue counting our months of “waiting” and “searching” for our baby through the wonderful blessing that is adoption. I refuse to harbor ill feelings and jealousy to those unaffected by this horror. I refuse to let my infertility consume me for one more minute.

I am ready to move on. I’m ready to learn who I am. I’m ready to learn who Heavenly Father wants me to be. I’m ready to let go and trust in him completely, for if we are meant to have children, we will, in which ever manner he sees appropriate. I finally feel confident in saying, I have done all I can do and it’s okay to let go and turn the pain over.

So here’s to the future. I’m counting on a wonderful 2013 either way.