Okay, my title is a little vague and misleading but this post is all over the place, forgive me.
If you’ve been around for a while, you might know that it is time to renew our adoption. This year, whether to renew or not has weighed heavily on my mind, the scale tipping in one direction or the other quite often. This month marks 36 months since we began our adoption process (paper pregnant didn’t happen until May 18), 36 long months! Each day and each month brought with it very unique circumstances and emotions. Some have been filled with hope and excitement; decorating, planning, and dreaming of our little one. There have been days when I could feel it was so close, even once knowing the baby meant to be in our family had made it to earth safely. But on the reverse side, we’ve also felt the pain of waiting, the pain of rejection, the confusion, and the wonder. Add those emotions to the jealousy and anger that sometimes rises and the resentment we feel towards our bodies for denying us our one great wish and it’s a cataclysmic disaster waiting to happen. I’ve honestly felt the full gamut of emotions regarding adoption and infertility.
With all of this being said, yesterday was my breaking point. I had the worst day and was ready to throw in the towel. Through our process, we’ve felt picked apart. We’ve felt judged. We’ve felt “not good enough”. We’ve felt poor. We’ve felt like it is never going to happen. We’ve also felt happiness, joy, excitement, hope, and pure love. But yesterday, yesterday all I saw was the negative emotions we’ve felt.
It’s been quiet on our front. We have never had contact with a prospective birth parent. Every opportunity that has come our way, we found, mostly through private adoptions. We’ve had a few special cases sent to us by LDS Family Services (forwarded from other agencies), but none of them ever felt right. We felt like out of all the situations we’ve been given, we were either choosing between major special needs (both physical and mental) or the prospect of having to buy our baby. We felt terrible for having to pick apart each situation, trying to find the one that felt right for us. We hated saying no to some because of their special needs and we hated saying no due to financial means. Our adoption profile is extremely open. We prayed about when were first started the paperwork and we both feel that no matter what circumstance, race, condition, age, etc… of the child, all would be considered with prayer, because at the end of the day, the baby that was meant for us, would be meant for us.
This month we had two private adoption opportunities come our way. Both were $30,000! It breaks my heart to know that these women are looking for parents for their children but due to the privatization of adoption, are having a hard time finding a good couple. I understand that adoption is expensive. I understand that needs need to be met. But I also understand that private agencies are also for profit. It breaks my heart to think that if we were somehow able to come up with the 30K in fees, (all paid up front) that we would never be able to properly provide for our little one until we had a chance to make up for that deficit. These fees didn’t include anything like cribs, diapers, formula etc. Naturally, they shouldn’t. But fertility treatments are expensive; ridiculously so, and without guarantee or refund, and adoption is expensive and requires waiting periods. In a world where we’ve been denied biological children due to circumstance, we’ve been riddled with expenses that are inconceivable, leaving us unable to finance some of these opportunities.
But back to the breaking point, yesterday we received one of these opportunities and it rocked my world. I choose to blame it on my hormones because we are also undergoing our FINAL fertility treatment, for now and maybe forever. I cried. I screamed. I laughed at the situation. I vented and then vented some more. I felt like our dreams were continually being dangled in front of our faces, but just ever so out of reach. Then I got down on my knees and I prayed. I prayed for understanding. I prayed for forgiveness for being angry. I prayed for our birth parents. I prayed for our baby. Lastly, I prayed to feel the joy that I know adoption brings. Adoption is such a miraculous process and I truly feel blessed to be able to partake of something so sweet.
Now I know…
We are renewing the adoption, anxiously so! We are also pushing full steam ahead in our last fertility treatment! Although we have no idea in which way we will be blessed, we know that both will hold major importance in our lives. We know that we’ve gone through this for the sole purpose of preparing us for something great. I also know that we are just about done. This trial is coming to a close, soon! But, I also know that it is always darkest before the dawn and yesterday was a dark day. I know that we’ve got a few more dark days ahead, but we are pushing forward with faith because at the end of the day, we know what we know!
(Jeffrey R. Holland) “Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.”