I haven’t blogged in a while, mostly because I don’t know how much to
say, or even, exactly, what I want to say.
One thing I’ve come to learn with regards to infertility is that at
some point you have to be able to go on with life and be happy, even if it means
you have no children at all. That’s not to say the pain will ever cease, but
from time to time it might lessen.
I spent all year last year working on this one tiny detail. Who is
Brittnee without children? Who is Shane without children? Who are we without
children? And… How will we be okay? With much preparation and forethought, we
realized it was time to consider moving on. The one thing we knew for sure, we
couldn’t move on until we had tried everything.
We’ve had an active profile with LDS Family Services on
itsaboutlove.org for 32 months now. We also have an active profile with our
states Health and Welfare department and have for 20 months now. We have been
actively seeking our child through adoption, even having two very close call
private adoption opportunities. We have tried free “promoter” sites, we
shamelessly hand out pass along cards, and we even had an adoption blog. We’ve
promoted ourselves in every way imaginable, which seemed right for us at the
time. We never joined Parent Profiles though because something always told us
no. We are now only three short months away from our 4th home study and we
honestly don’t know what the future holds for us.
Adoption was only step one in trying everything. After serious
consideration, we decided it was time to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. In
the seven years of struggle, no doctor has ever recommended seeing one until
last spring. I was so hesitant because of the tests and invasive nature, not to
mention highly embarrassed because my body doesn’t function as a woman’s should
(there is so much more emotion in regards to that, but surely this explanation
will have to do), that I stalled until November. We were finally told exactly
why we can’t have children, and here’s the kicker, we have unexplained
infertility! There is nothing wrong with either of us. The doctor gave us less
than a 3% chance of having children. She laid out a course to attempt to raise
those percentages and we are now underway in a seemingly endless pursuit of
fertility treatments. I almost wish they would have been able to find something
actually wrong, it might have made it easier to treat, and I believe it would
have made it easier to heal and move on if that becomes necessary.
Our first treatment took place around Christmas time and was a
failure; our second is underway right now. After that, we have one more chance
before moving onto IVF. IVF is our last hope. Right now, we plan to do one
round of IVF sometime in the second half of the year, but that is subject to
change at any time.
We are currently juggling all of these things in hopes that something
will knock loose, if even only to make sense of the situation or offer
understanding so that I can find peace in my heart.
I refuse to document our fertility attempts. I refuse to go into
detail. I refuse to continue counting our months of “waiting” and “searching”
for our baby through the wonderful blessing that is adoption. I refuse to
harbor ill feelings and jealousy to those unaffected by this horror. I refuse
to let my infertility consume me for one more minute.
I am ready to move on. I’m ready to learn who I am. I’m ready to
learn who Heavenly Father wants me to be. I’m ready to let go and trust in him
completely, for if we are meant to have children, we will, in which ever manner
he sees appropriate. I finally feel confident in saying, I have done all I can
do and it’s okay to let go and turn the pain over.
So here’s to the future. I’m counting on a wonderful 2013 either
way.
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