I haven’t blogged in a while, mostly because I don’t know how much to say, or even, exactly, what I want to say.
One thing I’ve come to learn with regards to infertility is that at some point you have to be able to go on with life and be happy, even if it means you have no children at all. That’s not to say the pain will ever cease, but from time to time it might lessen.
I spent all year last year working on this one tiny detail. Who is Brittnee without children? Who is Shane without children? Who are we without children? And… How will we be okay? With much preparation and forethought, we realized it was time to consider moving on. The one thing we knew for sure, we couldn’t move on until we had tried everything.
We’ve had an active profile with LDS Family Services on itsaboutlove.org for 32 months now. We also have an active profile with our states Health and Welfare department and have for 20 months now. We have been actively seeking our child through adoption, even having two very close call private adoption opportunities. We have tried free “promoter” sites, we shamelessly hand out pass along cards, and we even had an adoption blog. We’ve promoted ourselves in every way imaginable, which seemed right for us at the time. We never joined Parent Profiles though because something always told us no. We are now only three short months away from our 4th home study and we honestly don’t know what the future holds for us.
Adoption was only step one in trying everything. After serious consideration, we decided it was time to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. In the seven years of struggle, no doctor has ever recommended seeing one until last spring. I was so hesitant because of the tests and invasive nature, not to mention highly embarrassed because my body doesn’t function as a woman’s should (there is so much more emotion in regards to that, but surely this explanation will have to do), that I stalled until November. We were finally told exactly why we can’t have children, and here’s the kicker, we have unexplained infertility! There is nothing wrong with either of us. The doctor gave us less than a 3% chance of having children. She laid out a course to attempt to raise those percentages and we are now underway in a seemingly endless pursuit of fertility treatments. I almost wish they would have been able to find something actually wrong, it might have made it easier to treat, and I believe it would have made it easier to heal and move on if that becomes necessary.
Our first treatment took place around Christmas time and was a failure; our second is underway right now. After that, we have one more chance before moving onto IVF. IVF is our last hope. Right now, we plan to do one round of IVF sometime in the second half of the year, but that is subject to change at any time.
We are currently juggling all of these things in hopes that something will knock loose, if even only to make sense of the situation or offer understanding so that I can find peace in my heart.
I refuse to document our fertility attempts. I refuse to go into detail. I refuse to continue counting our months of “waiting” and “searching” for our baby through the wonderful blessing that is adoption. I refuse to harbor ill feelings and jealousy to those unaffected by this horror. I refuse to let my infertility consume me for one more minute.
I am ready to move on. I’m ready to learn who I am. I’m ready to learn who Heavenly Father wants me to be. I’m ready to let go and trust in him completely, for if we are meant to have children, we will, in which ever manner he sees appropriate. I finally feel confident in saying, I have done all I can do and it’s okay to let go and turn the pain over.
So here’s to the future. I’m counting on a wonderful 2013 either way.