I’ve been thinking a lot and have wanted to write this post since yesterday. Unfortunately, I’m also feeling very discouraged today so it might come across differently than intended. Bear with me, and we’ll see where we end up.
I think that since the very first day we realized and accepted that we had a problem with infertility, we have believed that it is temporary, just a trial and challenge we could overcome. We have always prayed to learn what we needed to learn so that we could “pass the test”. Every month we continued to fail the test and had to start over. We feared it was an issue of faith, or a curse from past misdeeds. We poured ourselves into being the very best we could be to compensate for our shortcomings. We begged, we even pleaded. Because we have always hoped, each and every day, that we would be parents we never could see outside the box. We could never envision the eternal perspective of our refiner’s fire. We lived in jealousy, anger, frustration, hatred, and sadness for many months over the years. Even now, peace and understanding are only slowly starting to enter our thoughts. Maybe it’s because we are running out of time, maybe it’s because we are running out of options, but I think my perspective is changing.
This “test” was never meant to be temporary. It was never meant to be easy. It is indeed my refiner’s fire. In pondering and searching for understanding, I’m beginning to see that this trial is truly a “divine trial”. We were given infertility because it was exactly what we needed to make it back to our Heavenly Father. I also understand and am trying to accept that I may never be a mother here, but am still entitled to those divine qualities that are inherited.
Even if we place tomorrow, even if we become pregnant, we will ALWAYS be infertile. That will never leave us. Although the pain may subside and we will find joy in our lives, the reminder of the pain we have felt thus far will always be a part of us. We will also be faced with infertility for each and every child we try to have. Raising a family will never be easy or natural in our home. This is an infinite and cyclic challenge and that is okay. Heavenly Father knows what we need to be the best us. He knows what we are feeling and he knows our desires. But, bad things still happen in this world and we could still end up childless.
I once felt bad about letting infertility define me. I hated that it consumed me and it was all I ever talked about or could feel. I felt blinded by emotion and yes, even coveted other women and their children. Don’t judge, it’s impossible not to feel that strong pull to love. Now I realize that infertility is a part of me, always will be! It does define me. BUT, I can choose how it defines me. I don’t have to talk about it. I don’t have to allow the emotions to upset me, but I’m also entitled to feel those feelings and will need to talk about it too.
I honestly think I’m ready for the next chapter, no matter what it brings.