Preparing

For a long time, we were so nervous to prepare our home for baby.  If you've suffered through any heartache, then you know that it's hard to soften your heart.  You guard and protect it.  Setting up a nursery has always been a dream of ours, but we were always so afraid of walking by the empty bedroom and feeling the anguish each and everytime we realized it wasn't our time yet.  We were also so nervous to buy items in fear that we never got our baby.
We finally feel like it's time and you get a SNEAK PREVIEW!!
The fabric is part of a four piece set that we purchased when we first started the adoption process and is no longer available in stores.  We were lucky to find that the fabric matched some paint samples we had fallen in love with awhile back and had forgotten about.
We are thinking blue and cream stripes on one wall.  Orange and red mixed in the bookcase and also on the cushions on the rocking chairs.  It's still a work in progress, but we finally have a plan!

 

We also got our lovely diaper bag, a gift from Mom.  It had to be something that Shane was willing to carry around and needed to be gender neutral.  We LOVE it!

 

 

Two Things #2

In order to get to know us better, we are going to post two things that you may not know about each of us every week.

Shane

-I got really sick with pneumonia that almost killed me and ended up in the hospital for several days.

-My dream job would be designing car engines.

Brittnee

-I never flew on an airplane until I was 21.  Since then, I’ve flown a total of three times, all for work, and have had the most horrific experiences.

-The first time I ever saw the ocean was when I was 16. 

Two Things

In order to get to know us better, we are going to post two things that you may not know about each of us every Sunday.

 

Shane

-I played football in High School. I was crazy about training and used to push my old beat up chevy truck up and down the alleyway next to my house while my sisters and mom sat inside.
-I am the oldest, I have twin sisters and then 12 and 14 years between myself and my brothers.

 

Brittnee

-I have moved 18 times. 5 of those since being married 8 years ago. For the first time in my life, I finally feel settled!
-I played soccer in Jr. High. I was the captain of my recreation team and played for my school team in 9^th grade.

 

Parent Profiles

Did you know we are on Parent Profiles? Check us out.  www.parentprofiles.com/profiles/db29059.html

On Adoption and Babies

Okay, my title is a little vague and misleading but this post is all over the place, forgive me.

If you’ve been around for a while, you might know that it is time to renew our adoption. This year, whether to renew or not has weighed heavily on my mind, the scale tipping in one direction or the other quite often. This month marks 36 months since we began our adoption process (paper pregnant didn’t happen until May 18), 36 long months! Each day and each month brought with it very unique circumstances and emotions. Some have been filled with hope and excitement; decorating, planning, and dreaming of our little one. There have been days when I could feel it was so close, even once knowing the baby meant to be in our family had made it to earth safely. But on the reverse side, we’ve also felt the pain of waiting, the pain of rejection, the confusion, and the wonder. Add those emotions to the jealousy and anger that sometimes rises and the resentment we feel towards our bodies for denying us our one great wish and it’s a cataclysmic disaster waiting to happen. I’ve honestly felt the full gamut of emotions regarding adoption and infertility.

With all of this being said, yesterday was my breaking point. I had the worst day and was ready to throw in the towel. Through our process, we’ve felt picked apart. We’ve felt judged. We’ve felt “not good enough”. We’ve felt poor. We’ve felt like it is never going to happen. We’ve also felt happiness, joy, excitement, hope, and pure love. But yesterday, yesterday all I saw was the negative emotions we’ve felt.

It’s been quiet on our front. We have never had contact with a prospective birth parent. Every opportunity that has come our way, we found, mostly through private adoptions. We’ve had a few special cases sent to us by LDS Family Services (forwarded from other agencies), but none of them ever felt right. We felt like out of all the situations we’ve been given, we were either choosing between major special needs (both physical and mental) or the prospect of having to buy our baby. We felt terrible for having to pick apart each situation, trying to find the one that felt right for us. We hated saying no to some because of their special needs and we hated saying no due to financial means. Our adoption profile is extremely open. We prayed about when were first started the paperwork and we both feel that no matter what circumstance, race, condition, age, etc… of the child, all would be considered with prayer, because at the end of the day, the baby that was meant for us, would be meant for us.

This month we had two private adoption opportunities come our way. Both were $30,000! It breaks my heart to know that these women are looking for parents for their children but due to the privatization of adoption, are having a hard time finding a good couple. I understand that adoption is expensive. I understand that needs need to be met. But I also understand that private agencies are also for profit. It breaks my heart to think that if we were somehow able to come up with the 30K in fees, (all paid up front) that we would never be able to properly provide for our little one until we had a chance to make up for that deficit. These fees didn’t include anything like cribs, diapers, formula etc. Naturally, they shouldn’t. But fertility treatments are expensive; ridiculously so, and without guarantee or refund, and adoption is expensive and requires waiting periods. In a world where we’ve been denied biological children due to circumstance, we’ve been riddled with expenses that are inconceivable, leaving us unable to finance some of these opportunities.

But back to the breaking point, yesterday we received one of these opportunities and it rocked my world. I choose to blame it on my hormones because we are also undergoing our FINAL fertility treatment, for now and maybe forever. I cried. I screamed. I laughed at the situation. I vented and then vented some more. I felt like our dreams were continually being dangled in front of our faces, but just ever so out of reach. Then I got down on my knees and I prayed. I prayed for understanding. I prayed for forgiveness for being angry. I prayed for our birth parents. I prayed for our baby. Lastly, I prayed to feel the joy that I know adoption brings. Adoption is such a miraculous process and I truly feel blessed to be able to partake of something so sweet.

Now I know…

We are renewing the adoption, anxiously so! We are also pushing full steam ahead in our last fertility treatment! Although we have no idea in which way we will be blessed, we know that both will hold major importance in our lives. We know that we’ve gone through this for the sole purpose of preparing us for something great. I also know that we are just about done. This trial is coming to a close, soon! But, I also know that it is always darkest before the dawn and yesterday was a dark day. I know that we’ve got a few more dark days ahead, but we are pushing forward with faith because at the end of the day, we know what we know!

(Jeffrey R. Holland) “Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.”

Facebook Page

We are trying to promote our adoption! We've made a facebook page to help spread the word. Please "like" or "share" our page to help.

We appreciate your love and help.

To visit or page go to https://facebook.com/findingourmiracle

On Infertility, Adoption, and Healing

I haven’t blogged in a while, mostly because I don’t know how much to say, or even, exactly, what I want to say.

One thing I’ve come to learn with regards to infertility is that at some point you have to be able to go on with life and be happy, even if it means you have no children at all. That’s not to say the pain will ever cease, but from time to time it might lessen.

I spent all year last year working on this one tiny detail. Who is Brittnee without children? Who is Shane without children? Who are we without children? And… How will we be okay? With much preparation and forethought, we realized it was time to consider moving on. The one thing we knew for sure, we couldn’t move on until we had tried everything.

We’ve had an active profile with LDS Family Services on itsaboutlove.org for 32 months now. We also have an active profile with our states Health and Welfare department and have for 20 months now. We have been actively seeking our child through adoption, even having two very close call private adoption opportunities. We have tried free “promoter” sites, we shamelessly hand out pass along cards, and we even had an adoption blog. We’ve promoted ourselves in every way imaginable, which seemed right for us at the time. We never joined Parent Profiles though because something always told us no. We are now only three short months away from our 4th home study and we honestly don’t know what the future holds for us.

Adoption was only step one in trying everything. After serious consideration, we decided it was time to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. In the seven years of struggle, no doctor has ever recommended seeing one until last spring. I was so hesitant because of the tests and invasive nature, not to mention highly embarrassed because my body doesn’t function as a woman’s should (there is so much more emotion in regards to that, but surely this explanation will have to do), that I stalled until November. We were finally told exactly why we can’t have children, and here’s the kicker, we have unexplained infertility! There is nothing wrong with either of us. The doctor gave us less than a 3% chance of having children. She laid out a course to attempt to raise those percentages and we are now underway in a seemingly endless pursuit of fertility treatments. I almost wish they would have been able to find something actually wrong, it might have made it easier to treat, and I believe it would have made it easier to heal and move on if that becomes necessary.

Our first treatment took place around Christmas time and was a failure; our second is underway right now. After that, we have one more chance before moving onto IVF. IVF is our last hope. Right now, we plan to do one round of IVF sometime in the second half of the year, but that is subject to change at any time.

We are currently juggling all of these things in hopes that something will knock loose, if even only to make sense of the situation or offer understanding so that I can find peace in my heart.

I refuse to document our fertility attempts. I refuse to go into detail. I refuse to continue counting our months of “waiting” and “searching” for our baby through the wonderful blessing that is adoption. I refuse to harbor ill feelings and jealousy to those unaffected by this horror. I refuse to let my infertility consume me for one more minute.

I am ready to move on. I’m ready to learn who I am. I’m ready to learn who Heavenly Father wants me to be. I’m ready to let go and trust in him completely, for if we are meant to have children, we will, in which ever manner he sees appropriate. I finally feel confident in saying, I have done all I can do and it’s okay to let go and turn the pain over.

So here’s to the future. I’m counting on a wonderful 2013 either way.